Yesterday, leaving the office toward my apartment, I realize this was my first moment alone since Saturday, between friends and work and dating, it was 3 whole days of constantly being with people, I freak out, I feel so uncomfortable being by myself I almost consider staying at home till it’s time to go to the concert. Eventually, I decide to walk home, cause it’ll give me a chance to think and cause it’ll burn an hour at least. I stop in the market and get new green tea and rice, coming home I make a pot of tea and drink it in one of the small cups I got in flee market last Friday, which seem like a million years ago, when I’m anxious, every non anxiety moment feels like a million years ago.
My boss’s complaining about her kids again, and about the co-worker that keeps complaining about work she say “Yes, I know I complain a lot as well, but I have a much more complicated life then her” referring to the fact that she’s raising 2 young daughters while the other girl’s single. I thought - I’m dealing with thinking you are going to yell at me about 60% of my life, and I manage to keep optimistic and listen to your shit, but I just said “ya, you are right” like I always do when I’m anxious thinking that if I avoid confrontation by agreeing with anything people say, I might not get yelled at.
I’m so used to hiding it, this fear, years before I even know to name it “panic attack” or “anxiety disorder”, I used to called it “childhood fear” in my heart, that type of paralyzing fears you get when you are 3 and think there are monsters under the bed or witches in the wardrobe, only mine were never about witches or monsters, they were about things that aren’t supposed to be scary, like the way a tree moves in the wind, or the type of sound a basket ball hitting the hoop makes or about winter. And I felt that there was something so wrong with me, so deformed and twisted, still suffering this type of fear when I’m supposed to be all grown up now. I remember this day when I got back home, it was winter and I was so shook up the fear actually showed on the outside, I came home and my mom asked “what’s wrong?” And how could I explain that it’s like it always is but a little worst, that I’m living in constant fear that’s isolate me from being a normal child, And I simply said “I’m afraid”