I haven’t been feeling so good this week, between the pressure at work and partying all night, I’m tired and worried and totally unbalanced. I eat really badly, too much processed food, pizza, bad instant coffee at work, too much stress in the office, trying to do too many things at the same time while trying to calm down the rest of the stressed people in the office. I’ve been doing really well, I know I have, both in the big office presentation on Tuesday and with the small greeting card project that’s getting a lot of compliments and with just keeping moral up, I went to 2 great concerts this week, and I met friends and I took care of myself and everything’s OK - and yet, I feel like I messed up, every tiny zit on my face look monstrously, every spelling mistake, every e-mail I’m getting late in returning cause writing when I’m anxious is so difficult, makes me think of a whole bunch of angry people just waiting to shout at me.
I wake up at 7:00 today to call to the printer, then I go there to look at the proofs, I’m being responsible and make corrections and phone calls, and still on the bus, on the way to the office I have those imaginary conversation in which my boss’s yelling at me and I’m making arguments to cover my mistakes, I didn’t even make. I’m retracing a phone call conversation I had with a friend yesterday and I analyze every word I say till I’m making myself a dependent bitchy petty sort of a person. I want to sleep and yet, all I can do is feel bad about not being able to make it to both concert, movies and meet my date guy.
The moment, the specific moment of horror’s becoming everything, if I don’t write or paint for over half an hour I feel like I’ve never created or wrote anything, I torment myself over missing too many day of writing in my blog, for missing chances to create art, for not calling the illustrators’ society and find out about the exhibition which is probably too late to attend. I torment myself over a birthday present to a friend that’s getting delayed and about a letter I need to return and about gaining weight.