we spend the entire evening together, one of the first people I fucked after the break up, once a lover now a good friend. He made me push myself with my desires put names to things I was to embarrassed to ask for, he was good with excepting my sexual honesty, as I was good with excepting his, he treated me with fear and force and tenderness. He was a good lover till I started to feel for him, till I wanted more then sex, and then he draw back.
I was in love with him, I was willing to make room for him in my life, a room that he didn’t want to have. It took a while for those emotions to die, for me to be able to look at him and not love or hate him, not to want anything from him but friendship, unlike those other men, I think in that case sex brought us together, not apart.
I’m thinking of all 3 of them, all second places, the second man I ever fucked, the second man I fucked after the break up, and the one before last. And I’m thinking how different they all are, and how I can’t see myself attracted to any of them anymore. How right now, I have my king of heart, and I’m just not attracted to anyone else and how, my sexual fantasies reshaped in the past 8 months to include, not only him in them, but for the first time, myself. And I think of how I do have a past, emotional and sexual, but more then that - right now I can very clearly see one future, just one, and how happy that makes me.